Generation 11.03

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My brother explained, “Mom and dad went out to eat and came home to find someone in the process of robbing the house.  I don’t think the burglar was expecting them and got scared when he heard them come in.  Without any warning and turned and shot them both.”

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“Mom died instantly.”

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“Dad fought, begging to stay.  But by the time anyone arrived it was to late.  He was gone.”

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I threw myself into my brothers arms and sobbed and sobbed.

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Instead of the Thanksgiving celebration I had hoped to return home too we had a funeral and buried them both side by side surrounded by the past generations of our family.

I kept asking myself what would have happened if I had not gone to China.  Would mom and dad have gone out that night or would we have all stayed home together thus preventing the burglar from breaking in.  Or would we have all three gone out and come back and maybe I would have been killed as well.  I was struggling with a mix of feeling guilty for still be here when they were not but at the same relieved that I was still alive.  I guess they call this survivor’s guilt.

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In the weeks that followed everyone seemed to move on.  Kevin, who had moved back home to take care of me, proposed to his boyfriend Stephan and the two got married.  They realized life is too short and can change in a second.

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Kaden and Jamiee were expecting their first child.  I tried to show some level of excitement and I would try talking to the baby.

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But I usually just sobbed in Jamiee’s arms.

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I was heart broken.

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One evening over super Kevin mentioned that Stephan’s band had been asked to play at a New Years Eve party in Hidden Springs the following week.   They would be gone over night but if I didn’t want to be alone Kevin was willing to stay behind.   I told him he should go and that I would be fine.

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Before he left Kevin pulled me into a big hug and asked if I would be ok.  I told him I would be fine and he should go.

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Later that day Sarah called and asked me to meet her at the park.  She had heard my brother and Stephan were gone overnight and I had the house all to myself.  She said I should throw a New Years Eve Party.

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At first I said no way but she eventually talked me into it.  I didn’t really care to do anything but I figured perhaps the distraction of a party would help.  Sarah said she would take care of inviting people.

I set out some snacks and got some good music playing.

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My friend Gwen brought her much older boyfriend.   He brought a keg.  I know I should have asked him to leave or to at least get rid of the keg, but I didn’t.

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I decided I was going to let go and have fun.  So I drank – a lot.

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I was thrilled that Trudy and Ruby Hooper came to the party.  They are the most popular girls in school.

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Everyone was dancing and having a good time.

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Then I saw him.  A boy I had never seen before.  A boy with the most beautiful blue eyes.  He looked to be having fun but I could also sense a sadness in him that seemed to match my own.

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I went over to Sarah, “Hey Sarah, do you know that guy over there?” I asked pointing towards him.

“No, I have never seen him before.  You should go ask him to dance.”

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Now normally I would NEVER have approached a boy but, like I said, I had been drinking and had reached the point were I had lost my inhibitions.

He said yes and we danced and danced.   He was a really good dancer.

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Later a slow song started and he pulled me into his arms and we swayed to the music.   It was the happiest I had felt since leaving China.

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After the dance I kissed him.

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The next morning I woke before dawn to find myself in bed in nothing but my bra.  I looked over and saw that the boy from the party was in bed next to me completely naked.  It took me a minute but then I remembered everything from the night before.

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We had both danced and drank.  And in case you are wondering, no he didn’t slip anything into my drink.  We just drank a lot.

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In fact everyone did.  Many of the guests past out or fell asleep on the living room floor.

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At some point Jonathan, I never got a last name, and I moved from making out in the living room to making out upstairs in the guest bedroom where we had some privacy. Once upstairs we made out some.  At some point clothes began coming off and moved to the bed where we woohooed. It was my first time but I am not sure if it was his.

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I was startled out of remembering, what had happened the night before, by the sound of  my phone ringing and Jonathan’s pager going off.  What 15/16 year old boy has a pager?  

My call was from my brother letting me know that he and Stephan were just leaving Hidden Springs and would be home in about an hour.  As I got off the phone I looked up to see the Jonathan running from the room in nothing but his boxers.

I was furious.  I couldn’t believe he couldn’t stick around for 5 minutes to talk about what had happened.

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I cleaned up the party and my brother never knew a thing about it.

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After that I decided that my grief was causing me to make some very bad choices.  I should never had a party without adult supervision, I should not have let the older boy stay with the keg, I should not have drank or at least not so much that I slept with a boy I didn’t even know, and I DEFINITELY shouldn’t have slept with a boy and not used protection.

That is not how I always had envisioned my first time would be.   So after that I decided to take control of my life again.   School had started back up again after the holidays and I was taking chemistry which I love.

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I started studying hard again and was soon back on the honor roll.  My grades had slipped following my parents death.

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I went to visit Kaden and Jamiee and played with my new nephew Leo.  He is so adorable.

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I also started applying for some more scholarships.  Even though I am only a sophomore it doesn’t hurt to get a jump on things.

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The only problem during this time was I thought I had come down with a terrible case of the flu.  I was incredibly nauseous.

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And had to run to the bathroom several times to throw up.

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One morning over breakfast Kevin asked me if I needed anything from the store as he needed to go pick up some things after work.   I told him I was good and didn’t need anything.  After Kevin left I realized I should have needed something.  As a habit as soon as I finished my period I always went out right away and restocked so I had things on hand.  I had my last period in mid December and bought a box just before Christmas so I would have them on hand.  Then it clicked.  I should have had my period on January 15 but it never came.  I was over a month late.

I wondered could I be pregnant?

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I went into my parents old bathroom and dug around in the cupboard looking to see if there were any pregnancy tests.  I was relieved to find an unopened box.

I went into my bathroom and took the test.  Waiting those three minutes for the results were the longest three minutes of my life.

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When the timer went off I looked at the test.

I was shocked by the results.

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There were two pink lines.  The test was positive.

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